The Singapore government today banned the “69” sexual position following police reports that many residents in the posh Spanking Condominium complex have been engaging in the sexually unproductive act.

The National Population and Talent Division (NPTD) had called for the police investigation after observing abnormally low fertility rates at Spanking Condominium. According to the NPTD, the expected total fertility rate of Spanking residents is 0.1, which means that the
 average female “Spanker” has almost one child less than the average Singaporean.

“We thought something fishy must be going down at Spanking,” said Mr Hoe Poh Keng, an NPTD spokesman. “Now we know it’s because of incorrect sexual education—kana terbalik.”

The investigation marks a watershed in NPTD-Police coordinated action.
 The two organisations said they will continue to analyse, isolate
 and address impediments to fertility. In response to concerns about
 government intrusions into the bedroom, Mr Hoe clarified that
 Singaporeans who are “doing it the right way” have absolutely nothing 
to worry about.

However, New Nation believes there may be more to this story than mere
 sexual calisthenics and failures to penetrate. A senior official at
 the NPTD, who wishes to go by the moniker XY, told New Nation
 that the Spanking Condominium units are owned almost exclusively by
 elite officers from Singapore’s Administrative Service.

“Basically, the elite civil servants like the ’69’ and ordinary
 Singaporeans do not,” XY said. “That means that the elites will 
produce far fewer babies. So, the NPTD is deeply concerned about a
 decline in Singapore’s gene pool quality.”

In order to boost so-called “scholar gene” reproduction rates, from
 today the government will triple baby and maternity benefits for admin
 service officers. Taxpayer support of elite officers is in keeping 
with society’s long-standing belief that without these elites, 
Singapore, being a small and vulnerable country, will quickly wither
 and die.

Separately, Singapore’s tourism board moved quickly to seek assurances 
from the NPTD that this “69” ban would not undermine Singapore’s
 growing status as a fun, sexy city and prime destination for global 
jet-setters.

“Indeed, as it is fertility driven, the ban applies only to Singapore 
citizens,” Mr Hoe confirmed. “PRs and foreigners are free to continue 
performing the ’69’.” New Nation also learned that the police will not 
enforce the law on new migrants, so as not to scare off would-be new 
citizens.

Like chewing gum, gambling and Chee Soon Juan, the “69” sexual
 position is the latest in a long line of vices which the government
 believes should remain off limits to locals, even as foreigners 
continue to indulge.

First time offenders will have to attend 10 hours of remedial sex
 education classes at Singapore’s Social Development Unit — comprising 
eight hours of theory and two hours of practical sexual intercourse 
under observation by government experts.

A second offence will earn the culprit an immediate vasectomy. “We 
figure if these Singaporeans insist on fooling around without
 producing offspring, we’ll help them, by making sure they can never 
have kids,” chuckled Mr Hoe.

Mr Hoe is quick to point out, however, the one exception to the law.
 In order to smoothen the transition to a “No 69” society, for a period
 of one year Singaporeans who absolutely must engage in the act can do
 so at the newly formed “69 corner” in East Coast Park.

They will have to apply for a police permit in advance and cannot 
prevent others from watching them while they do it in the public
 space. Mr Hoe says that this is proof that the government is becoming 
more caring and willing to listen; in the old days, it would have 
enacted the ban without any exception.

Nevertheless, this ban confirms the ascendancy of the sexual puritans 
over the adventurists in Singapore society. “We had long thought that 
’69’ was the best prelude to actual intercourse and climax,” Mr Hoe says. “But we now know that there is no future for ’69’ in Singapore.”

I first published this piece on New Nation, a Singaporean satirical website. Please click here to read it.